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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27701411">how i cling to your sleeves (till they're lacerated sails)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/que_sera_sera/pseuds/que_sera_sera'>que_sera_sera</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dream Team (Video Blogging RPF), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Break Up, Cheating, Cheating Sapnap, Guilt, Infidelity, Inspired by "Triple 7" by Japanese Breakfast, Lowercase, M/M, Post-Break Up, Real names used, Slight fluff, endgame karlnap, hurt/some comfort, lowercase intended</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:01:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,585</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27701411</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/que_sera_sera/pseuds/que_sera_sera</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>nick knows what he's doing is wrong. it's wrong and immoral and everyone involved would hate him if he told them.</p><p>so he doesn't tell them.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Karl Jacobs/Sapnap</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>188</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>how i cling to your sleeves (till they're lacerated sails)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>first, please do not show this to cc's. if you are a cc who saw themselves in the tags: hi! please turn back before reading publicly.</p><p>second, this is about their personas and a theoretical - i don't want this to be the manifestation of what happens in real life. i will take this down if dream, sapnap, or karl later express the fact that they are uncomfortable with these types of fanworks online.</p><p>also, important setting for the story, they are in and around las vegas, nevada.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>nick meets clay after he loses his job.</p><p>nick has always been one to self-sabotage: going to vegas to spend his remaining income is fucking stupid.</p><p>luckily for him, he doesn't have to waste money to get into something dumb.</p><p>clay is an attractive blond man manning the empty ten a.m. stations. this is one of the less busy casinos in paradise.</p><p>ironic how this city is named paradise and yet it's a parasite that leaves many destitute. ironic.</p><p>paradise is situated in a valley. nick is of that valley though he has not always lived here. sinful and poisonous, someone said as he was pushed into a locker in his school days.</p><p>he still carries the scar of course, but it doesn't matter. they've ended up in the same desperate place anyway and nick thinks of that as a bitter victory; <em> you’ve sunk down to my level</em>.</p><p>"would you like to play, sir?" the blond man, clay as nick knows him now, asks.</p><p>nick shrugs, attempting to sound casual. "sure. what is this game?"</p><p>clay sighs and nick can see clay talk for a bit.</p><p>nick puts his hands up. "save the spiel, love."</p><p>"buy me lunch if you're gonna call me that, sweetheart." clay holds a strained smile.</p><p>"maybe i will."</p><p>he never tells anybody that he lost his job.</p><hr/><p>it is stupid from the beginning but it doesn't matter to nick.</p><p>they meet during the day and their escapades are daring at first. nick loves a man in uniform, and sometimes they kiss among the slot machines.</p><p>eventually, clay gets a new job. a night job. nick lies and says that he also has a night job.</p><p>he is not clay's at night so it doesn't matter.</p><p>nick visits him once or twice at the night job but it's enough to not seem suspicious. this new job is a lot more packed than the previous one which makes nick frown. no more moments alone with clay at work anymore.</p><hr/><p>but in the night, nick is someone else.</p><p>he lives with his boyfriend, karl. he loves karl and karl loves him back. karl's part of a startup business based out of north carolina called "the beast" and he's constantly busy throughout the day. busy, like he thinks nick is.</p><p>they live in the actual las vegas, not paradise and winchester. the strip is quite a bit different from the actual city. the strip is lawless and full of booze and drugs. the city builds off of the legacy of the strip, but it’s not actually like the strip. actual las vegas wouldn’t be a tourist destination if it weren’t for the strip. it’s a relatively normal and boring city, which is why nick loves it here with karl. they are normal. in this light, they are normal. </p><p>“karl?” nick calls out when he gets home from clay’s apartment.</p><p>karl doesn’t respond.</p><p>“karl?” he tries again.</p><p>nick ventures into the apartment and walks straight to karl’s desk.</p><p>“karl?” he asks quietly. </p><p>karl is sleeping at the computer and it breaks nick’s heart to see that karl is working so goddamn hard.</p><p>nick is a fucking coward. he’s such a fucking coward. he can’t keep doing this shit. he needs to get a job, end things with clay. why had he even started them with clay in the first place? </p><p>“baby,” he says to karl, patting him on the head. </p><p>“hm?” karl’s voice is still filled with sleep and it tugs at nick’s heartstrings. </p><p>“come on, get to bed,” nick insists, grabbing the arm of karl’s hoodie.</p><p>“just a bit more,” karl mumbles.</p><p>“you’re so tired. you need a break,” nick replies.</p><p>“fine,” karl relents. </p><p>nick pats him on the head and karl smiles goofily.</p><p>“i love you, baby,” karl says.</p><p>had clay said that earlier today? had clay said that he loved him? had those been clay’s exact words?</p><p>“i love you too,” nick responds.</p><p>nick knows that was his exact reply earlier.</p><hr/><p>"clay, you're so dreamy," nick says, his hands wrapped around clay's waist, grabbing onto his sleeves, and his body slumped onto clay's back.</p><p>clay laughs and nick can hear the reverberations off of clay's chest from his position. "does that mean i'm the man of your dreams?"</p><p>nick freezes, though clay can't see it. he feels the memory flash through his mind.</p><p>he and karl are at a cheap karaoke bar tucked in the strip and drunk off of wine and each others' cologne. nick doesn't remember what they went out for. he's okay with it.</p><p>"karl, it's your turn," nick slurs out.</p><p>"really?" karl asks, "your voice is so fucking pretty. i wanna hear it forever."</p><p>"but i wanna hear you!" nick whines.</p><p>"fine, fine, my sappy nappy," karl replies, giggling a little.</p><p>nick remembers smiling at the pet name.</p><p>"what song are you gonna pick?" nick questions impatiently.</p><p>karl shrugs. "i dunno. we might've worn the machine ou- oh! found it."</p><p>nick can hear shuffling and then some opening piano chords.</p><p>"imagine there's no heaven," karl sings, "it's easy if you try."</p><p>
  <em> no hell below us </em>
</p><p>
  <em> above us only sky </em>
</p><p>
  <em> imagine all the people living for today </em>
</p><p>
  <em> imagine there's no countries </em>
</p><p>
  <em> it isn't hard to do </em>
</p><p>
  <em> nothing to kill or die for </em>
</p><p>
  <em> and no religion too </em>
</p><p><em> imagine life in peace </em> </p><p>"you-who-ooooo," karl sings, winking when he stops to breathe, "you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one. i hope some day you'll join us and the world will live as one."</p><p>nick claps even though he's the only person there and the song isn't over yet.</p><p>back in the present, nick tries to unfreeze from his position.</p><p>"come on, say it, i know you want to," clay teases.</p><p>"you're the man of my dreams," nick mumbles, "i think from now i'll just call you dream.”</p><p>clay giggles. “okay, what should i call you?”</p><p>“s-” nick starts, then stops. <em> he can’t call you that. </em> “sweetheart or something like that. i like your little pet names.”</p><p>“alright.”</p><p>they stay there like that for a little bit.</p><p>“you’re gonna tear my sleeves if you keep doing that, love,” clay notes.</p><p>nick smiles, though he knows clay can’t see it, and he lets go of clay’s sleeves, even though he knows that he could cling to clay’s sleeves for a while. maybe not forever, though.</p><hr/><p>nick sees karl’s halo of hair while karl is sleeping and he knows he has to break up with clay.</p><p>he can’t call clay dream anymore, he can’t kiss him, he can’t do anything else with clay because it’s wrong to both karl and clay. </p><p>nick knows that he’s fucked in this situation either way. things were going good with them but how much longer would it be until one or both of them realized that they were cheating? </p><p>nick rolls over in the bed. he can’t keep doing this, he can’t keep doing this, he can’t keep doing this, <em> he can’t </em>.</p><hr/><p>“i didn’t want to spring this on you all sudden,” nick starts.</p><p>they’re at clay’s apartment, drinking tea from white mugs and standing next to each other. they’re both almost done with their tea.</p><p>it’s fine. it’s okay.</p><p>clay’s face deflates and nick’s daytime heart breaks.</p><p>“i think we need to break up,” nick states.</p><p>clay looks down. “i don’t understand.”</p><p>“i-i don’t know. i need more time to find myself, find who i really am without you. i’m letting you become my personality and i just don’t think i can do this anymore. i’m sorry,” nick adds.</p><p>“ok,” clay replies, “so why not just a break?”</p><p>“i need time away from you, but i want to be friends again,” nick responds.</p><p>“i love you, <em> nick </em>,” clay says, “i love you.”</p><p>nick knows the lack of a pet name means something. he knows.</p><p>“and i love you too, i just.” nick pauses. “i just can’t.”</p><p>clay looks at nick dejectedly. “a kiss for the road?”</p><p>“this is the last time,” nick insists.</p><p>as they kiss, nick knows his daytime heart is leaving him. he will spend his life longing, but he doesn’t know how long. was this just now? he wanted clay, he wanted clay so badly that it hurt.</p><p>but he needed karl.</p><p>he knew the role he was meant to play and he knew he had to fit up to it. he’s finally stopping being a fucking coward.</p><p>he still cries while they kiss.</p><hr/><p>nick finds a new job. </p><p>nowhere near the strip, actually. he freelances now, which is fine. it means him and karl are at home all day. </p><p>it means that he needs to stop being guilty.</p><p>“sapnap,” karl says sweetly, walking up to nick and hugging him. he clutches at nick’s sleeves, grabs them roughly.</p><p>it’s like a nightmare. a deja vu moment in a nightmare.</p><p>“you’re gonna tear my sleeves if you keep do that, love,” nick quotes. </p><p>his breath becomes shaky and he almost starts crying. karl doesn’t deserve that. he should have never done that to karl.</p><p>karl stops grasping at nick’s sleeves. “are you okay?”</p><p>“fine,” nick mumbles out, “just miss you.”</p><p>“i’m right here,” karl replies confusedly.</p><p>“i know,” nick responds.</p><p>nick doesn’t cry. he forces himself not to cry.</p><p>“babe, have you showered?” nick jokes.</p><p>karl rolls his eyes. “how dare you assume i live up to stereotypes.”</p><p>“i know baby, i know.” nick kisses karl on the cheeks.</p><p>he tries to forget that he used to be someone else.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>title from "triple 7" by japanese breakfast.</p><p>if you enjoyed, please kudos and comment below! they make me more happy and more motivated to write.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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